September/ 27/2010
Well today was anxiety filled to say the least. First I'm talking to one of my high school friends bout life and school and what not people and how they act. I got off the phone around 4:30 am I didn't sleep. So I'm whisked off to the Police station and I sit there till about 7:00 am. Then they finally take me to the back..but it's pretty much the same as before they tried to let me go with out finger printing me and such. But I had a warrant (( 3rd degree Larceny by the way $40 worth of stuff a pen a html book and some origami stuff apparently) to get rid off so I manage to explain to them that I was going to get arraigned I was tired and they were being super nice to me and it was annoying. I pretty much just sat in the back I didn't even sit in a jail cell this time. It was all "aw your just a baby this and a kid that and you have nothing to worry about" Heh if that was true would I be in this situation right now? I ended up sleeping in a office for 2 hours almost crying because I was cranky from lack of sleep and the chair wasn't really comfortable before they drove me downtown to court. I got to sit in the front and one of the police officers gave me gum. I felt like a child all over again... that made me upset too but I did my autogentics and was able to keep it under control. Man was it cold tho. Finally at the Court house I am searched and she actually searched me too. Then I surrender my cell phone and go into an actual cell it was SMALL Like maby bathroom sized and I was in a cell with some chick who stabbed her boyfriend EEK! Finally i meet my appointed lawyer who's name i don't remember. And I talked to the judge She basically asked me if this was really my first offense I said yea she gave me personal bail (YAY!) But the cops wouldn't let me leave till i called my dad ugh. So finally I left.
Got back to my Dad's house and helped him shingle the roof It was fine till it started raining. I snuck off and spray painted my hoodie I think I'm going to do Pirates heart with the hand coming out I already cut the stencils and stuff just got to get good spray paint. And again I thought about Pirate so finally I decided to call him. First I realised I was hoping he wouldn't pick up but before I could hang up he answered. Nervous laughter masking the pain I was trying not to release just yet. Happy banter remember? Well finally I tell him what I really wanted closure, he seemed surprised and agreed. Then he started talking about not killing hims and stuff. But I assumed he was trying to hide the pain he was feeling like I was, also i think he really thought I was mad. I wasn't I told him that I forgave him and that he was my first love and piece of my heart blah blah ((I'm really tired)) In the end I was crying and I think he was too I didn't mean to do it over the phone I was trying to find a way to actually meet him face to face but it just came out.....all for the best I guess because we manage to talk just like back where we first met as friends He told me how he was trying to achieve some of the things he lacked like not looking masculine(( never under stood that it's not like he's a super girly thing but some guys feel that way I guess)) enough and having self time because he gave himself emotionally to everyone and never had any left for himself. so he was looking for closure too from the people in his life but he was going to make sure that he hurt (some of) them. I explaining that it wasn't worth it and you'd be holding on to rage instead of getting closure. I told him to forgive and about the 2 kinds of forgiveness. she seemed stumped by my explanations and was debating it but i knew he felt it was the right thing to do. will he do it tho? I explained that at our age we where trying to put out lives together by ourselves and felt that we didn't have time to have some one to love and i mean true love not all that crap kids think it is now aways. I told my ex that I was an emotional person and i Needed come one who comforted me some times I need security in that area because with some one I trust and truly love I feeling I can do anything. I needed some one to love because I've been missing that part in my life I've never felt truly loved.
Any way I did it!! after I got off the phone with him I felt at peace. I can think about him and not feel my heart breaking now I need to do is see him face to face and give him a big hug and a good bye kiss ^_^
Last thing I painted a self portrait it's awesome and now I'm going to sleep i'm tired.
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